“What Are YOU?”

Growing up in Cleveland, I would always get the question from my peers “What are you?” as if that was the most important thing about me. I would answer them knowing that they were talking about my ethnicity, “Puerto Rican and white”. And then thinking that my value must lie in “What I was” ……. I struggled.

My mom is Puerto Rican, and she found no value in that. She did not raise my brother and me to know any of our cultural heritage. We didn’t speak Spanish. We didn’t learn to cook that yummy Spanish rice or any of the Spanish foods my grandma used to make before she died. We just grew up very “American”, if that’s even a thing. I grew up in a part of Cleveland known as “Little Puerto Rico” and not knowing how to speak Spanish, I was told, “You’re not Puerto Rican if you can’t speak Spanish.” Like how does that make me less Puerto Rican, I wondered?!

My dad, on the other hand, was a white man who died when I was young. And because my mom had a conflict with him when he died, his family didn’t want anything to do with my brother and myself. So, I didn’t get to know anything about his side and ultimately the other half of “What I was”.

Now because I didn’t speak Spanish, I didn’t fit in with the people who looked like me. And because I didn’t look like my white side, I didn’t fit in with those kids. I, from the start, struggled with knowing “What I was” and where I fit in.

On top of not fitting in anywhere, I struggled with low self-esteem. I was molested by a stepdad from as early on as I can remember until my mom left him when I was in middle school. He would make me sit on his lap and he would touch me. Or he would wait until my mom left and he would make me do things to him in the bathroom or the basement. He would sometimes come into my room at night and touch me. I was so scared, I wouldn’t move. He was my “dad”, and I was raised to respect adults and not talk back. I was raised that kids were to be seen and not heard. I never had the courage to have or find my voice.

Not fitting in and having low self-esteem early on put me on a path in my life that brought a lot of struggle. I grew up thinking that my value/ identity or “What I was” was determined by what a male thought of me. And because my earliest form of validation was from a man who touched me in a sexual way. I always had a crush on a boy. I would change what I liked and was into based on whatever the boy I liked was into so that he would like me. I sought constant validation from a boy. My low self-esteem caused me to be afraid to speak out when I was in a situation that was uncomfortable. I remember one time being with my mom at a friend’s house, and this friend had a grandson that lived with them. I would always go into his room when we were there to hangout. Because I was a kid and so was he. I remember that we were cool. We played video games together. We watched T.V together. I really liked hanging out with him. One day I was at his house in his room, and we were sitting there, and all of a sudden he took his pants off exposing his self. I ran out of that room so fast to my mom. I never said anything to her. And I don’t know why. I can only guess now that it was because I did not know how to use my voice or that I even had one. It wasn’t until recently, within the past couple of years that I learned how to use my voice. And I learned where my value/ identity came from. (We’ll talk about that later.)

As I am sitting here looking back, I can see where Satan tried to stop my calling/ purpose early on, causing confusion to me not knowing “What I was”. I am so glad that God had a different plan for me…… and instead of me knowing “What I was” He showed me “Whose I was”. Stay Tuned.