Monthly Archives: April 2021

The drive down to Alabama was long. I remember being so upset as I sat in the back of the van my mom had driven. I remember thinking “Boyz II Men will never find me in Alabama. Where all the country people live.” My ideas about Alabama were very immature in nature. I thought of uneducated, mountain-living, racist people who lived in small towns that spit tobacco as they spoke with their unintelligible accents. I did not want to be a part of that life at all. I just knew that when I graduated high school, I was moving back to Cleveland. I mean I only had two years to go. Surely it will fly by and I would be far away from old country Alabama and my evil mom and stepfather.

When we finally made it to the hotel in Alabama that we were going to be staying in for a week while waiting on our double-wide trailer to be fully set up. I got out of the van and was hit with the hottest and most humid air I had ever felt on my face. The sun was bright and blinding. And true I was not unfamiliar with the sun, but it just hit different down in Alabama. My eyes burned and watered. I remember walking up to my mom convinced that if I showed her how watered my eyes were, that she would not make me live here. I said, “See mom, I can’t live here, this sun and air hurts my eyes.” She kept walking and did not respond. I walked into the hotel, and then to my room. (I didn’t mind staying at the hotel for that week. It felt like a vacation.) I laid down on to the bed and turned the tv on to see Will Smith’s Men In Black video playing on TRL. It had just come out. I will never forget that. I will always associate that song with my first day in Alabama.

When the week was up, we were able to move into our double-wide trailer that my stepfather had picked out. I remember being quite surprised by how nice it was on the inside. Up until this point every place, I had ever lived in was an old, and unkept mess. When you first walked into the trailer, there was a really nice entryway with a hall closet. To the right of the entryway was the large-sized living room with a fireplace that connected to a hall that had two bedrooms and a bathroom off of it. I had never lived in a place with a fireplace. (My Great Aunt who lived in Berea Ohio was the only person who had a fireplace, and she was rich. So, I had always associated fireplaces with rich people.) To the left of the entryway was the dining room that had built-in shelves with a mirror in the middle that connected them. To the right of the wall of shelves was my mom and stepfather’s bedroom. The room was huge. Bigger than any of the other bedrooms she had ever had. The bathroom connected to her room was also big and beautiful. The shower and tub who were separate were so nice. I remember thinking that this was the fanciest bathroom I had ever seen. And feeling slightly jealous after seeing it. Wishing that my bathroom on the other end of the house looked like this too. The kitchen, also connected to the dining room via the other side of the room, was big. With a window that looked out onto the trailer next door. The laundry room separated by a doorway in the kitchen housed the back door. (Which was the door that my brother and I would use with a key to get into the house from walking home from the bus stop.)

After moving into the trailer, I remembered feeling quite optimistic about the move to Alabama. The house was nice and felt fresh. Which was something I really needed. The trailer park itself sat alongside this beautiful lake called Lay Lake. I naturally recharge when being in nature, so living next to this lake brought me much peace. The town we moved to was called Shelby, and it was located about 20 minutes away from the nearest town with a grocery store or any store really. To say this small town was rural, was quite an understatement. I didn’t mind that though. After living in Olmsted Falls, and getting used to being away from the big city, this small town felt ok. 

It was very slow and quiet in this small town, in this trailer, next to the big, beautiful lake. I kept myself busy that summer while my mom and stepfather worked almost an hour away by watching a lot of tv. And writing letters back and forth with my friends up north. The highlight of my weeks would be when I would receive a letter in the mail from one of my friends from Ohio. I remember when I would write them back, my letters were always full of questions about what they were doing, how they were doing, and what were other people we knew were doing? Because quite honestly, nothing was going on with me in this new town.

I remember being really excited about starting school that year, I couldn’t wait to make new friends, and not feel so alone anymore. I remember one afternoon before school started, my mom and stepfather took me to see the new school I would be going to. It was in the small town next to ours with the grocery store, and it was super cute. Not quite as nice as Olmsted Falls High School, but it was still nice. The small town next to ours was called Columbiana and it felt very home-like. The downtown had all the cute little boutique shops. With people walking up and down the sidewalks stopping to speak to each other. It was really the cute little quintessential southern town that you see in all the movies. Which made me even more excited about starting school. I longed for community. 

It’s funny looking back over that first summer in Alabama. I remember being excited about school and new friends, but also very ready to move back to Cleveland once I graduated in the next two years. Not even realizing that I would never leave, because God had bigger and better plans than I could have ever had for myself.

In honor of my recent fifteen-year wedding anniversary, I thought I would take a break from sharing my story and share with you some things that I have learned over the years being married. In no particular order here we go…

1. Keep God First

I know this seems so cliché, but it is so true. Marriage can be hard at times. Life can be hard at times. The bible says in Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on it. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” We have always put God first in our lives, and in our marriage. There is much comfort in knowing that the creator of ALL things, cares about us individually and together. George and I have seen this verse in action many times over the course of our marriage. There were times that we did not know how we would provide food for our home. Or meet some of the needs our children had, but God provided. Always. There has not ever been a question of whether he would or not.

2. Celebrate Your Spouse, To Show Them You Are Thankful For Them

I work for a place that believes that what gets celebrated gets repeated. This is very true for work and even for your marriage. When you take the time out to recognize something that your spouse has done, whether it’s an extra chore around the house, or an uncommunicated need that they have met, or even extra help with the kids. Take time to tell your spouse you are thankful for them. They will feel appreciated that you noticed. Then this will most likely lead to them wanting to help you more, knowing that you appreciate the extra little things they have done for you.

3. Serve Your Spouse

George and I live our lives with the mentality of trying to out serve the other person. When you live your life trying to out serve your spouse, you are showing your spouse that they are important to you. That their needs and wants matter to you. There is much joy in knowing that my spouse loves me enough, that he would take the time out to listen to a need that I may have passively or clearly communicated, to then go out of his way to serve me to try and meet that need.

4. Forgive Your Spouse

This is a BIG one. Forgiveness is key in marriage. We are all flawed humans who make mistakes. Your spouse is going to make you mad. Accept that. They are not perfect. When they do, forgive them. Do not hold anything they have done to you over their head. The bible says in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” When you show your spouse grace and forgiveness you are telling them that you love them enough to forgive them even with their flaws. Now I know there are some mistakes and circumstances that can and will require extra time and maybe even some outside counseling. Be open to that. George and I had to go for marriage counseling a few years back. Because we were bumping heads on some things and were completely unable to see the other persons point of view. Seeking wisdom in counseling is not at all a bad thing. It honestly helps you to step outside of yourself, to see how your spouse is feeling, and what they are trying to say.

5. Learn To Speak To Your Spouse In Their Love Language, Not Yours

If you are not familiar with the Five Love Languages quiz, I highly recommend you and your spouse look into it. It is basically a quiz that you each take to show what it is that speaks to your spouses’ heart. (I will leave the link below if you are interested in taking this quiz.) When George and I first took this quiz, we struggled with speaking to each other from our own Love Language instead of speaking to each other in their Love Language. For example, my top Love Language is Gifts. I would be out and see something that I know George would like and I would pick it up for him. Thinking that it would warm his heart because it showed I thought of him while I was out. Well, it didn’t warm his heart. He was grateful for the thing I bought, but to him Words of Affirmations is what speaks to his heart. This has even to this day been a struggle for me to intentionally speak Words of Affirmations to him, being an introverted HSP. Vocal words are just not my strong suit. But because I love him, I make myself step outside of what is comfortable to speak to his heart. By doing this, it shows him that he is important to me.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/couples-quiz/

6. Communicate Clearly To Your Spouse

Communication is a definite factor in trying to maintain a healthy marriage. When trying to communicate to your spouse, make sure you are not coming from an emotional place such as anger, or even frustration. Things that you may be trying to communicate can often times get lost through those emotions. Take some time to calm down, and then come back to communicate how you feel. This way they can really hear your heart. And not be distracted by the emotion that you are communicating through.

7. Allow Your Spouse To Grow

The person you married today will not fully be the same person in five or even ten years from now. God the Father has called each of us to a purpose to walk out. In that process your spouse will grow and change. Encourage and support that change. Its ok if they change their thoughts or ways that they do things. George and I are actually in this process in our marriage now. I have changed as I have grown to learn my value and purpose here on Earth. At first George had a hard time accepting the “new” me. But after some time, and sought-after Godly wisdom, he has embraced and encouraged me in this walk. Realizing that “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

8. Date Your Spouse

Dating your spouse like you did before you got married is such an important detail to continue as a married couple. It is very easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities. Taking intentional time to reconnect makes marriage and life way more joyful. And a joyful marriage is something you want to model for any children or future children you plan to have. George and I take a date night at least once a week. When our kids were small it was a bit harder. But we got creative. We would put the kids to bed and reconnect over conversation, over shared movie/ tv show interests. We made the time to reconnect, realizing the importance of keeping our romantic relationship a top priority.

9. Laugh With Your Spouse

Just like dating, laughing with your spouse is important. Laughing is good for your body and great for your marriage. When you are laughing with your spouse, you are having fun. Laughing helps to add joy, it creates a positive bond, it heals resentments, and helps to unite you with your spouse. George and I have so many inside jokes, that I can look at him in any given moment and we will laugh about whatever it is that may be going on.

10. Have Patience With Your Spouse

Along with forgiving your spouse when they upset you, have patience with them. As people we are all raised in different ways, in different households, with different ways of doing things. How you may do something, may not be how your spouse does that same thing. I learned this early on in my marriage after we had our first child. I would bathe, feed, dress, and take care of my daughter in a way that I thought was the “right way”. Because hello, I read all the articles, all the books, and asked all the questions. He absolutely did not do any of those things. And I would get so frustrated with him when he didn’t take care of our daughter the same way that I did. Until one day I read a parenting article that spoke of having grace for your spouse when they do things differently then you. It said as long as the results are the same, how they get there is not as important. That was such a light bulb moment for me. I from there on let George be George. And do things the way that George would do them. Now, I cannot say that I have fully mastered being patient with him. And in those moments when I lose my patience for him, I apologize. Which leads me to my next point.

11. Put Away Your Pride And Apologize

I cannot count how many times I have gotten frustrated with George over the years and expected an apology. He would graciously apologize. I would forgive him. But when I would upset him (WHICH IS BARELY EVER! LOL! JK.), I would find it hard to swallow my pride and apologize to him. And this would hurt him. He would ask “Why do I always have to apologize to you, and you don’t ever apologize when you hurt me?” He was right. So now, when I find myself in a situation of having to say I’m sorry, I will say it. Realizing that he is worth the respect and love action of me apologizing.

12. Do Not Punish Your Spouse For Sharing Their Feelings

It’s easy to get offended when your spouse opens up and shares how they feel about you and the relationship. Many times, early on in our marriage, I would clearly communicate to George how I would feel about things. And he would then punish me by not validating my feelings as being real. He would distance himself from me for weeks after. He would tell me I was wrong. And so on. I got to a point where I stopped sharing my feelings with him, in fear that he would make things hard on me in those moments. Years later, after some marriage counseling, he was able to see that he was punishing me for sharing how I felt with him. He now, is completely open to any conversation that I want to have about any topic. Even if that topic is sensitive.

13. You And Your Spouse Are On The Same Team

From forgiveness, to serving, to apologizing, to having patience, remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. In all things you should be treating each other like you are teammates. You are conquering life together. You are raising kids together. You are walking out God called purpose together. Treat each other that way. The bible says in Genesis 2:18 “It Is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.” In Ecclesiastes 4:9 it says, “Two are better than one, because they will have a good reward for their toil.”

14. Pray For And With Your Spouse

Let’s be real, living in this world can be really hard sometimes. Things happen, sickness comes, difficulties with work, kids acting up, etc. And finding the right words to say to encourage your spouse can be hard. Thankfully, we serve a God that is here to always hear our cries. There is nothing more comforting in this world than knowing that the creator of EVERYTHING wants to hear from us. That he loves us. That because of His Son we are able to come to him to make our supplications known. Get with your spouse and pray before the Father. Pray when things are hard. Pray when things are great. Just pray. The bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to “Pray without ceasing”. In Philippians 4:6 it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God”. Walk in peace knowing that you and your spouse are not alone, that God the father wants to hear from you.

15. And lastly, Do Not Give Up

WOW, this one here! A few years ago, George and I almost walked through divorce. We both had childhoods filled with traumas. We were so broken, and without realizing it, we brought all of that trauma into our marriage. I mean there was constant miscommunications. Constant misunderstandings. It was hard. I wanted to leave. At the very end, I told him we needed counseling. Because I just couldn’t do “US” anymore. We went to counseling, and it changed us. It changed our point of views. It helped us to see where the other person was coming from. It opened the door for us to focus on where we needed to put in the work. We both decided to stay and not give up. The road that we traveled to get where we are today was by no means an easy one. We had to both put aside our pride and GIVE. But because of the work that we put in then, we are more healthy and joyful today. We both decided that this thing we started, was worth the fight. We deserved it. Our kids deserved it. So I encourage you to stay and fight. Seek wisdom when it gets too hard. Don’t give up, and watch God move and make your marriage a beautiful one.

The January of my tenth-grade year, my stepfather took a job offered to him by an old boss and moved to Pelham, Alabama. (We would move down to meet him after the school year ended.) This excited me at the time. Because now he wouldn’t be home to make things so hard. He would be gone. And maybe then, my mom would be easier to get along with. 

After he left, our house was a lot quieter. He wasn’t there to yell all the time. He wasn’t there to stomp around. And most of all he, wasn’t there to control or be unkind to me. That did not initially stop my mom from being mean. She continued on the nightly tradition of “glove checking” after our chores were complete. And still, we would have to stay until they were done according to how she liked them. I became good at cleaning after this. In fact, if you come to my house today, most times it is always in place. Unless my kids are home alone, and then, well, NO CLEAN house. LOL. 

A month or so later my mom eased up a bit on her strictness. I’m not sure if it was because she was tired after getting home from work. Or if it was because she had felt bad from how we were previously treated by her husband. Or if she had just stopped caring because my stepfather wasn’t there. But she did. She started to let me go hang out with some new friends I had made. I was allowed to go to their house. I was allowed to go to the movies. She even let me go out a couple of times at night to some school functions we had. Things finally started to feel good at home. Until about two months after he had left, she had informed me that my checks from Wendy’s would now go towards helping the house. And that my stepdad in Alabama was staying at a campsite and needed my money to live off of. I had no choice in the matter. I cried and felt that it was completely unfair that she would take the little money I was making and send it to the man who always treated me so terribly. I hated this man. I didn’t want to help him. I did not have a choice in whether he moved to Alabama to take a job. So why, now do I have to give him MY money to live off of? But I did. Every time I got paid, I would sign over my check to her so that she could deposit it into her account for him to use. She promised me that she would pay me back after we moved. I believed her. To this day I have yet to see any of that money. Which totaled to more than a $1000.00 

The last of the school year rolled on, and I ended up having a crush on this senior named Chad. He was in my computer science class. Where he and his friend Patrick always flirted and messed with me every day. I enjoyed the attention. I felt like someone valued me. And I was important (Remember, I found my value in what a male thought of me). Because of his daily flirting and attention, I really started to like my new school. I started to put the effort into doing my schoolwork. I started making friends with the kids that I disliked in the beginning. I found myself even having a little bit of school spirit. 

When I finally processed that I was going to soon be leaving this school, I struggled. I did not want to move again during my high school years, to a new school. To a new town. To a new state. And to a new region of the country. In which the only thing I knew about the South was that the people were uneducated and hilbillies, thanks to the tv shows I had seen. I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to have to live with him again and feel controlled. My mom had eased upon us. I finally started to feel like my life was good. My school life was good. My home life was good. And now again, because of stepdad number two, my life was going to be unhappy.

When the end of the school year came, my mom decided that because we were moving to Alabama before my birthday, she was going to let me have a party to celebrate turning 16. AND I was going to be allowed to invite whomever I wanted. Even my friends from Cleveland. I was SOOO excited, I invited all my friends, from Cleveland and Olmsted. It was so surreal to me. I had fought so hard all this time to keep in communication with my friends from Cleveland. And now, they were going to be allowed to come over to see me. A whole year had gone by since I saw them. But when they came, it was like no time had passed at all. We ended up having the party outside that day because the house was small. Which didn’t seem to matter in those moments. I was just so thankful to have the opportunity to see and reconnect with the friends that I had missed so much. I was appreciative that my mom allowed me to have that sendoff that would close one chapter of my life. And start a new one once we moved to Alabama. The countdown continues…..