15 Things I Have Learned About Marriage

In honor of my recent fifteen-year wedding anniversary, I thought I would take a break from sharing my story and share with you some things that I have learned over the years being married. In no particular order here we go…

1. Keep God First

I know this seems so cliché, but it is so true. Marriage can be hard at times. Life can be hard at times. The bible says in Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on it. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” We have always put God first in our lives, and in our marriage. There is much comfort in knowing that the creator of ALL things, cares about us individually and together. George and I have seen this verse in action many times over the course of our marriage. There were times that we did not know how we would provide food for our home. Or meet some of the needs our children had, but God provided. Always. There has not ever been a question of whether he would or not.

2. Celebrate Your Spouse, To Show Them You Are Thankful For Them

I work for a place that believes that what gets celebrated gets repeated. This is very true for work and even for your marriage. When you take the time out to recognize something that your spouse has done, whether it’s an extra chore around the house, or an uncommunicated need that they have met, or even extra help with the kids. Take time to tell your spouse you are thankful for them. They will feel appreciated that you noticed. Then this will most likely lead to them wanting to help you more, knowing that you appreciate the extra little things they have done for you.

3. Serve Your Spouse

George and I live our lives with the mentality of trying to out serve the other person. When you live your life trying to out serve your spouse, you are showing your spouse that they are important to you. That their needs and wants matter to you. There is much joy in knowing that my spouse loves me enough, that he would take the time out to listen to a need that I may have passively or clearly communicated, to then go out of his way to serve me to try and meet that need.

4. Forgive Your Spouse

This is a BIG one. Forgiveness is key in marriage. We are all flawed humans who make mistakes. Your spouse is going to make you mad. Accept that. They are not perfect. When they do, forgive them. Do not hold anything they have done to you over their head. The bible says in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” When you show your spouse grace and forgiveness you are telling them that you love them enough to forgive them even with their flaws. Now I know there are some mistakes and circumstances that can and will require extra time and maybe even some outside counseling. Be open to that. George and I had to go for marriage counseling a few years back. Because we were bumping heads on some things and were completely unable to see the other persons point of view. Seeking wisdom in counseling is not at all a bad thing. It honestly helps you to step outside of yourself, to see how your spouse is feeling, and what they are trying to say.

5. Learn To Speak To Your Spouse In Their Love Language, Not Yours

If you are not familiar with the Five Love Languages quiz, I highly recommend you and your spouse look into it. It is basically a quiz that you each take to show what it is that speaks to your spouses’ heart. (I will leave the link below if you are interested in taking this quiz.) When George and I first took this quiz, we struggled with speaking to each other from our own Love Language instead of speaking to each other in their Love Language. For example, my top Love Language is Gifts. I would be out and see something that I know George would like and I would pick it up for him. Thinking that it would warm his heart because it showed I thought of him while I was out. Well, it didn’t warm his heart. He was grateful for the thing I bought, but to him Words of Affirmations is what speaks to his heart. This has even to this day been a struggle for me to intentionally speak Words of Affirmations to him, being an introverted HSP. Vocal words are just not my strong suit. But because I love him, I make myself step outside of what is comfortable to speak to his heart. By doing this, it shows him that he is important to me.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/couples-quiz/

6. Communicate Clearly To Your Spouse

Communication is a definite factor in trying to maintain a healthy marriage. When trying to communicate to your spouse, make sure you are not coming from an emotional place such as anger, or even frustration. Things that you may be trying to communicate can often times get lost through those emotions. Take some time to calm down, and then come back to communicate how you feel. This way they can really hear your heart. And not be distracted by the emotion that you are communicating through.

7. Allow Your Spouse To Grow

The person you married today will not fully be the same person in five or even ten years from now. God the Father has called each of us to a purpose to walk out. In that process your spouse will grow and change. Encourage and support that change. Its ok if they change their thoughts or ways that they do things. George and I are actually in this process in our marriage now. I have changed as I have grown to learn my value and purpose here on Earth. At first George had a hard time accepting the “new” me. But after some time, and sought-after Godly wisdom, he has embraced and encouraged me in this walk. Realizing that “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

8. Date Your Spouse

Dating your spouse like you did before you got married is such an important detail to continue as a married couple. It is very easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities. Taking intentional time to reconnect makes marriage and life way more joyful. And a joyful marriage is something you want to model for any children or future children you plan to have. George and I take a date night at least once a week. When our kids were small it was a bit harder. But we got creative. We would put the kids to bed and reconnect over conversation, over shared movie/ tv show interests. We made the time to reconnect, realizing the importance of keeping our romantic relationship a top priority.

9. Laugh With Your Spouse

Just like dating, laughing with your spouse is important. Laughing is good for your body and great for your marriage. When you are laughing with your spouse, you are having fun. Laughing helps to add joy, it creates a positive bond, it heals resentments, and helps to unite you with your spouse. George and I have so many inside jokes, that I can look at him in any given moment and we will laugh about whatever it is that may be going on.

10. Have Patience With Your Spouse

Along with forgiving your spouse when they upset you, have patience with them. As people we are all raised in different ways, in different households, with different ways of doing things. How you may do something, may not be how your spouse does that same thing. I learned this early on in my marriage after we had our first child. I would bathe, feed, dress, and take care of my daughter in a way that I thought was the “right way”. Because hello, I read all the articles, all the books, and asked all the questions. He absolutely did not do any of those things. And I would get so frustrated with him when he didn’t take care of our daughter the same way that I did. Until one day I read a parenting article that spoke of having grace for your spouse when they do things differently then you. It said as long as the results are the same, how they get there is not as important. That was such a light bulb moment for me. I from there on let George be George. And do things the way that George would do them. Now, I cannot say that I have fully mastered being patient with him. And in those moments when I lose my patience for him, I apologize. Which leads me to my next point.

11. Put Away Your Pride And Apologize

I cannot count how many times I have gotten frustrated with George over the years and expected an apology. He would graciously apologize. I would forgive him. But when I would upset him (WHICH IS BARELY EVER! LOL! JK.), I would find it hard to swallow my pride and apologize to him. And this would hurt him. He would ask “Why do I always have to apologize to you, and you don’t ever apologize when you hurt me?” He was right. So now, when I find myself in a situation of having to say I’m sorry, I will say it. Realizing that he is worth the respect and love action of me apologizing.

12. Do Not Punish Your Spouse For Sharing Their Feelings

It’s easy to get offended when your spouse opens up and shares how they feel about you and the relationship. Many times, early on in our marriage, I would clearly communicate to George how I would feel about things. And he would then punish me by not validating my feelings as being real. He would distance himself from me for weeks after. He would tell me I was wrong. And so on. I got to a point where I stopped sharing my feelings with him, in fear that he would make things hard on me in those moments. Years later, after some marriage counseling, he was able to see that he was punishing me for sharing how I felt with him. He now, is completely open to any conversation that I want to have about any topic. Even if that topic is sensitive.

13. You And Your Spouse Are On The Same Team

From forgiveness, to serving, to apologizing, to having patience, remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. In all things you should be treating each other like you are teammates. You are conquering life together. You are raising kids together. You are walking out God called purpose together. Treat each other that way. The bible says in Genesis 2:18 “It Is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.” In Ecclesiastes 4:9 it says, “Two are better than one, because they will have a good reward for their toil.”

14. Pray For And With Your Spouse

Let’s be real, living in this world can be really hard sometimes. Things happen, sickness comes, difficulties with work, kids acting up, etc. And finding the right words to say to encourage your spouse can be hard. Thankfully, we serve a God that is here to always hear our cries. There is nothing more comforting in this world than knowing that the creator of EVERYTHING wants to hear from us. That he loves us. That because of His Son we are able to come to him to make our supplications known. Get with your spouse and pray before the Father. Pray when things are hard. Pray when things are great. Just pray. The bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to “Pray without ceasing”. In Philippians 4:6 it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God”. Walk in peace knowing that you and your spouse are not alone, that God the father wants to hear from you.

15. And lastly, Do Not Give Up

WOW, this one here! A few years ago, George and I almost walked through divorce. We both had childhoods filled with traumas. We were so broken, and without realizing it, we brought all of that trauma into our marriage. I mean there was constant miscommunications. Constant misunderstandings. It was hard. I wanted to leave. At the very end, I told him we needed counseling. Because I just couldn’t do “US” anymore. We went to counseling, and it changed us. It changed our point of views. It helped us to see where the other person was coming from. It opened the door for us to focus on where we needed to put in the work. We both decided to stay and not give up. The road that we traveled to get where we are today was by no means an easy one. We had to both put aside our pride and GIVE. But because of the work that we put in then, we are more healthy and joyful today. We both decided that this thing we started, was worth the fight. We deserved it. Our kids deserved it. So I encourage you to stay and fight. Seek wisdom when it gets too hard. Don’t give up, and watch God move and make your marriage a beautiful one.