“Not Again”

When my mom finally left my first stepdad, I was 13yo in the 7th grade. I remember being happy. And not sad at all. Happy because the man who was abusing me would finally not be able to hurt me anymore. And happy because my mom started dating new men and had a newfound happiness about her. Which made her a lot nicer for those few months. 

I remember the day well that I met my second soon to be stepdad. He was this big, burly, long brown-haired man covered in tattoos with a loud deep country accented voice. He came over to our house dressed in a Harley Davidson t-shirt with a black leather vest that connected to a chain that was connected to his leather wallet that was in his back pocket. He also had on his black leather boots that stomped loudly as he walked around our house. He had recently moved back to Ohio from Columbus, Georgia. And was introduced to my mom through a great Aunt that knew some friends of his. While he was at our house, he shared stories about how he was in a biker gang. And how he loved the South. And how great it was. I didn’t think much of what he was saying at the time. As I had never been to the south. It just wasn’t important to me. I was at the time obsessed with the musical group Boyz II Men. And I remember sharing that with him. He said to me “Oh you listen to that boom boom music?!” I wasn’t sure what he meant then, and I played one of their songs on my tape player for him so he could hear who they were. He wasn’t interested in listening. And I didn’t realize at the time that THIS was going to be a huge issue for me and the rest of my time while living at home. 

To continue forward with this story, I have to go back for a moment. In the years leading up to becoming a teenager, I LOVED music. I loved to sing. I loved to listen to music. I found much solace in singing and getting lost mentally while listening to music. My first favorite artist that I would listen to on my little brown Fisher Price tape player was Michael Jackson. He was my first celebrity crush as a young girl. LOL. And you couldn’t tell me anything when “Beat It” was playing. Haha. As I grew, my taste in music never changed. I loved R&B music. I felt so connected to it. And when I was introduced to Boyz II Men in the early ’90s, they were absolutely everything to me. The first song that I ever heard by them was “Please don’t go” I knew after that song I had to have their tape. Cooleyhighharmony was my on repeat every day. Then when II came out, it, even more solidified my love for them and their music. Right before my mom met my second stepdad, she had bought me tickets to go see Boyz II Men in concert with my older cousin. And I was the most excited than I had ever been about anything up until that point. I remember saving all my lunch money for a month to have spending money for the concert. When the second soon to be stepdad came into my life, it was a few months before the concert. Going back to the night I met him, I remember being so excited explaining how I was going to get to see them in person. And I absolutely could not wait.

He ended up moving in with us soon after they met, and he was always around. At first, he was pretty nice. I don’t remember thinking anything bad about him. The day of the concert comes around and, what an exciting day it was for a 13 yo to go see her absolute favorite music group. I had the best time that night. I remember I bought a t-shirt, a concert program and a poster with my little saved lunch money. And to me, these items were my most cherished possessions.

Spring break comes and his two kids from Georgia come to spend the week with us so they could see their dad. They were a lot younger than I was. And I didn’t know how to connect with them. His son was young, like 5 or 6. And his daughter may have been 9 or 10. I was 13. But even though there was an age difference I tried my best to connect with them. I spoke a lot with his daughter about my life, my school friends, my crush at the time. My favorite music group of course. And how I went to see them in concert. Nothing crazy that I can remember. After the week was over, they left and went back home to Georgia. After a few days of getting back, their mom called my second soon to be stepdad and said her kids were acting “black” after hanging around my brother and myself. And she was apparently angry about it. I do not know the extent of that conversation he had with his ex-wife. I just know that when I got home from school that day, it was really bad. My mom and my soon to be second stepdad were yelling at me and my brother. Telling us how we were acting like the N-words. And how we would no longer be allowed to listen to anymore N-music. We couldn’t be friends with any N-words. We couldn’t watch anything on tv with N-words. And then my mother proceeded to get a pair of scissors and cut up my Boyz II Men t-shirt. She ripped up my concert program, my poster, and my ticket stub. And she tore up all my music tapes. I remember being in complete shock and thinking “Why is my mom doing this?” I was so upset. I did not even realize that this was going to be the start of what was to come with the soon to be second stepdad. And all I could think in that moment was “Not Again.”